Saved Forever.

Most recently I have been told several times  “…but you seem so strong.” That “but” makes me feel dehumanized because it eliminates the right for me to feel weak. And every single time, I look with wide-eyes, staring eyes, with such dominance and confidence, and say, “I am strong.” However, there are many truths to my story. And truth is, I break. Truth is I hide when I start to feel the cracks upon my skin and soul. I don’t answer phone calls, texts, I don’t go out. This happens at the most random times and sometimes others don’t understand this which can drive me further away. It gets deeper, there are times where I crack on days where I just don’t know why. Its as if I’m feeling someone else’s pain because sometimes I don’t have a reason myself. Yes, truth is I fall. Yes, truth is, often times I feel weak. Truth is, you might not ever notice sometimes. But I make a choice to feel the beauty of my sadness and so I don’t fight it. I go through it on my own lonely time. No one deserves my sadness and it is why I crave distance so much. When all proceeds, I open the doors, and I let out the complete opposite. Energy is everything and the very essence of my strength is what I give to the world because once you are present at my moments, the energy will transcend on to you. Quite frankly, that is not what I want for you. I am very strict at the fact that what I go through is not for anyone, but me and the Man upstairs. The world deserves my light, my love, my complete strength. There is truth when it is said sometimes the happiest ones are sometimes the saddest. However, my dark times are preparation for my rising moments. My dark times are for me only. When I fall, it is God who will catch me, it is not anyone’s duty, but His. If I give it to someone else to help me handle, I am giving them power to control me. That is dangerous and as a believer of God, when I look for my happiness in Him, nothing can ever truly break me. And so when you tell me, “but you seem so strong..” remember I am human and we feel. Feelings are inconsistent. Feelings are not always stable. We are not always happy. We are not always sad. We can be one more than the other, we can be just about the same. I am strong, but I can be weak too….very weak. I want to say it is okay when this happens. Truth is, I believe love will power through. God is love. And Love is my purpose in this life which is why every time I do not give up and I fulfill Him by giving off Love.