Each and Every Time.
MARCH 20, 2019.
I have continued to accept love each and every time. It is all I ever want, it is all I ever crave. But it seems to me that I am not understood just yet. I have not met the individual that has understood by the means of love in ways that I can fully connect to. It has nothing to do with me, but it has all to do with love. Although, I do place blame on myself; that I am hard to love. My constant pattern of trying to be fair by considering both sides drive me to think that maybe I am believing false conclusions. Is it me? or is it everything else? I hold traumas within that I have not fully survived emotionally. The disruptions continue to ruin the flow. I am trying to accept the fact that as much as I can help someone, I can’t really help them if they don’t help themselves. But I have continued to accept love each and every time. My maladaptive thinking is another component of the constant disruptions. But we are who we are for a reason, right? We are the way we are for a reason right? I have had a love robbed from me through the carelessness and lack of love one held. But I have continued to accept love each and every time. My addiction of love has left me to go through mounts of pain. Therefore, I have been addicted to pain. I deal with pain each and every time. I am starting to question what is love and what does it take to realize the distinction of this is love and this is not. All I ever wanted to do is love in all the right ways, but there are several factors that make it hard. I continue to leave the weight on my shoulders and every day seek for answers to resolve what has been broken. I have continued to accept love each and every time, therefore I will never let go. But I have to let go at one point. My love has been betrayed to the ultimate levels, yet since I am addicted to the pain I don’t see any shame. The dreams of love has been taken away from me and I cannot get it back in the way I dreamed of receiving. I don’t know how I am dealing with such nightmare, but I am living in it several days at a time. There comes a point in time when there is no more time to be wasted. Time will not wait on anything or anyone, just as I thought I had everything all in one. I have witnessed and gone through that hurt people, hurt people. It is real and it is deadly. I have seen the lost and confused people, make other people lost and confused. But I have continued to accept love each and every time. With my continuation of the acceptance of Love, I hope that one day it will all be different.
TODAY. MAY 21, 2019.
As a reflection of this entry, I have come to the conclusion that close up, and very personal I am the strongest person I know. I am not boasting and bragging. It’s more-so surprising that I came to greater lengths of who I am as a person. I am pretty damn proud of myself. If you give me two words to some up then and now… it’s simply: HEALED and VICTIMLESS. I’m not talking about the temporary kind or the so-called “HEALED” when you are successfully distracted. I am talking about the kind of healed that is no longer filled with bitterness and revenge. I am talking about the healed that involves Love. To ones that hurt me and to the things that hurt me, I simply Love. I love the lessons and I love what it has taught me about others and myself. I am no longer pursuing a Victim Language. Everything that has happened is controlled by the Divine and evolved into His greater purpose. Through my experiences, I have learned that no matter what, you are in control of your healing process. You are the driver. You control what you allow yourself to deal with and no one can take away that power from you (IF YOU DON’T LET THEM). It is not up to another human being to be responsible for your healing process, so don’t you dare go out looking for someone to heal you. You are the core of such essential growth. For those who are experiencing not necessarily my same situation, but my same emotions I hope that you take a few things from what has been expressed. I continuously emphasize that one must go through such storm before reaching the sunrise. You have all the potential to rise up from what has taken you down. You hold more power than you realize.
